Happy Mother's Day for ALL!

Last Mother’s Day I had empty arms and a broken heart…fast forward to this year and I have an 11 month old. It is crazy how fast one’s life can change if you’re open to it. A few weeks back we had a lesson in Relief Society (the women’s group in my church) it was about being an instrument in God’s hands. I am forever thankful to the mothers that played their parts in Ellie’s life. They were truly instruments in God’s hands. Because of these two special mothers, husband and I have our beautiful, spunky, sassy little lady. This Mother’s Day both my heart and arms will be full and I could not be more grateful.

To Ellie’s birth mom and all the other birth mom’s out there Happy Mother’s Day to you. Thank you for being so completely unselfish. Thank you for being an instrument in God’s hands to help Him give me and all the other adoptive mommies their miracle(s). Thank you for doing what I could not do. Thank you for being willing to keep my baby alive. Thank you for NOT giving up. Thank you for realizing that the sweet baby you carried was meant to be mine.

To all the aunties, step-moms, foster moms, grandmas ...Happy Mother's Day to you! You play an integral part in someone's life, do NOT forget that! 

Ellie is BEYOND blessed to have AMAZING aunties that LOVE her almost as much as I do! 

Me with Ellie and her AWESOME Aunties!

To all the future mommies Happy Mother’s Day. My heart breaks for you. I know the pain of wanting a baby more than life itself. I know the soul crushing weight after each negative pregnancy test, with each passing month...

I know that adoption is not for everyone. However, adoption is an AWESOME option. It is a way for God to provide miracles. A way to get your happily ever after. A way for a motherless child to find a home, love, happiness, and their happily ever after. They need you as much as you need them! Do not give up, have an open mind and let someone be an instrument in God’s hands for you. 

Becoming a Mother!

I never wanted to be a mom. I used to hate kids. It’s amazing how our likes, needs, wants, and desires change as we grow older wiser. I remember the beginning of the change for me. It was early 2005, I was working at The Animal Kingdom at Disney World in Florida. The area of the park I worked in (Rafiki’s Planet Watch) was only accessible by train. It was getting close to closing time and the last few guests were waiting for the train to arrive. This couple from Japan was visiting with their toddler. She was running around me in circles and when I looked down at her she would stop and giggle. This continued, each time the young girl would do something more elaborate to catch my attention, the end result was always the same, the joyous sound of a child’s laughter. That day, my heart started changing, “Little kids are not terrible” I thought.

The next change came with a new job. I was hired as a youth center director. Me? In charge of a bunch of kids? I seriously didn't think I had it in me, I was terrified, but it was a good job so I went for it. I was in charge of an after school program of 2^nd and 3^rd graders. I had to feed them a snack, help with homework, and plan fun, educational activities. The other part of my job was supervising teens in the youth center in the evenings. This is where my feelings towards kids of all ages changed, however, I liked the younger ones better!

The change continued once again with yet another new job. I've had a lot of jobs in my life (about 23ish) they all played a part in shaping my destiny (yes, that was really cheesy.) This new job had me traveling around  to the schools in the county teaching kids (grades 2^nd, 3^rd, and 6^th) the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. This job did not only change my view on kids, but it also opened my eyes to my future. One day whilst teaching kids to not do drugs, I stopped, looked around the classroom and realized I needed to be a teacher!!! (Too bad this was three weeks away from me graduating with my bachelors in parks and recreation and hotel restaurant management, better late than never, right?) It was the perfect career choice, plus my fiancé (now husband) at the time was also a teacher. We would have the same schedules and be able to commiserate about the rough kids and celebrate the amazing ones together. I still didn't want my own kids but husband did, so we agreed on two (I REALLY didn't want any!!)

A few years, two more job changes, and a Master’s in Education later and I was a certified teacher! I had taught both first grade and kindergarten and I LOVED kids more than I ever thought possible. Now that we had been married a couple of years and I was in love with kids, seriously all kids, I wanted my own, and I wanted them now!! Bad news: husband wasn't ready. So I waited…

A year went by and I started bugging husband about wanting a baby, he’d just shrug it off and say something along the lines of, “Not yet” or “Once we've paid off your masters (I STILL haven’t paid that dang thing off!) So I waited, and waited, and waited…After a few years of waiting, I finally said, “I've waited long enough! I want to start trying, on average it takes at least a year.” Secretly, I expected to get pregnant immediately.  Thus began the beginning of two years of disappointment and heart break. 23+ pregnancy tests later, because yes, I thought that every month I was in fact pregnant, and after the first negative test of my cycle that I just took it too early for it to be positive and had to take another one. I was long past baby hungry, I was baby starving! 

When becoming a mother, women have time to prepare, let’s figure most  women find out that they are pregnant at 6-8 weeks and most pregnancies last 38-40 weeks.  That gives the average women 32+ weeks to prepare. I had 48 hours, seriously, two days to do what most do in 32 weeks! However, being a mother came naturally to me. I was killing it (not the baby, the act of being an awesome mom!) I am so lucky that Ellie and I bounded immediately, I think it is because we both needed each other. She also sleeps like a dream, the first few days I was so sleep deprived it hurt. However, Ellie quickly got on an awesome sleep schedule and stayed there. In part because I learned what she needed during the day, she liked to eat every 1.5-2 hours during the daytime, but would then sleep 8-12 hours a night if I swaddled her. I got to know her so well I could anticipate her every need. What I didn't anticipate were my feelings of inadequacy. I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mother. I didn't sacrifice my body for her, I wasn't able to create and grow her inside of me. I didn't go through the pain of birthing her. The hardest for me to handle was the fact that I could not breastfeed my baby. It broke my heart that I had to feed her formula.

If you Google Mother this is what you get: “a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. Ouch, thanks a lot Google.   What gives me the right to be a mother when I didn't give birth to her? It took a few months of struggling with this. When one day, I thought to myself about all the reasons I wasn't a mother. The inability to breastfeed at the top of my list. This went away slowly over time, when I realized there are so many woman who want to but simply cannot breastfeed for whatever reason. There are also lots of women who choose not to. Being a mom is making sure your child is fed, doing whatever it takes!

There are countless grandmas, sisters, aunts, friends, step, foster and adoptive mothers in this world that have stepped into the role of a mother to care for a child in need. They do it because they love the child(ren) that they care for. They became mothers without giving birth, so why am I any different? My own insecurities got in the way, I felt like I shouldn't be a mother. This attitude discredits non-tradition mothers everywhere, and that is not fair to them, or to me.  Let's face it anybody most women in the world have the ability to give birth, but NOT everyone has the ability or desire to be a mother.

I will never be able to change the fact that I didn't birth my baby, however, I have done all motherly duties since we brought her home from the hospital. I quit my job to take care of her full-time. I put her needs before mine. I find joy in caring for my sweet girl

I know Ellie better than anyone else in this world. I know when she’s hungry, tired, happy, bored, needs to poop (this is an easy one because he eyes bug out and turn bright red, it seriously looks like she just got punched) I know how to make her smile and laugh. I know how to wrap her up comfortably and rock her to sleep. I know that she likes music and dancing and dance with her around the kitchen daily because I like to see her eyes light up as she looks at me with the most adorable smile. I know that she likes hands and feet because they move and wiggle, she likes to chew on my straw because it’s squishy and feels good on her gums, and I let her because I would give her anything and everything she needs. I know all this and more because I LOVE her, because I am a mother, because I am Ellie’s mother!

Officially Adopted!!

*Disclaimer: The following is NOT legal advice, simply the steps Husband and I took to legally adopt Ellie.

A day (who am I kidding, I don’t leave the house most days, Ellie and I just stay at home playing, reading, and napping) week doesn’t go by without someone telling me how lucky I am with Ellie’s adoption and don’t I know it. I LOVE finding people who have, are trying to, or are going through the adoption process on Instagram and Facebook. I see their profiles and websites. I net stock them reading their stories and following their journeys. There are more families than I can count that are searching for a sweet little soul to grow or complete their families. Adoption is usually a long, hard, expensive ride.

In most adoptions there are a few major steps from what I have learned in my research. These steps include: first, deciding to adopt. Once you have decided you then have to pick an agency. Will you be adopting domestically or internationally?  Will you foster to adopt? Next, you have to fill out paperwork, LOTS of paperwork and submit it (you are then  “paper pregnant,” I think this is such a cute term!) You also have to have a home study to decide if you are worthy to have a child placed with you and if your house is suitable for children. Next, you WAIT… for how long who knows, until a birth mother chooses you or until a child becomes available. Husband and I sure do things backwards!!

Now, let’s talk money because let’s face it, adoption IS expensive! If you choose foster to adopt, most of the fees are covered. I just talked to a friend who is in the middle of this LONG process and Arizona no longer provides all the legal help, they just give you a small stipend to find your own lawyer, so there is a chance you have to pay some out of pocket. If you are adopting privately, expect to pay LOTS, lots and lots and lots and lots!! I’ve seen countless gofound me accounts as well as T shirt and other fundraisers. My favorite is subsidyshdes.com this sweet adoptive momma created this company selling sun glasses to help her and others pay for adoption. (I LOVE this and hope to start something of my own in the not too distant future.)

 I did some a little adoption research back in 2013 figuring it was my only hope for getting a baby.  When I found out the money involved $$$$$ for private adoption, or that I had to foster to adopt to go through the state, I decided adoption wasn’t for us, that we’d just keep on trying. Turns our adoption chose us!

Back to husband and I doing things backwards, we found the baby and then went through the process.When we took Ellie home form the hospital all we had was power of attorney so we could legally make all medical and legal decisions for our sweet little babe. B (an AMAZING lady at the County Attorney’s Office (CAO) who ended up helping us every step of the way) was on vacation for the first two weeks of Ellie’s life. I lived every second those first few days, weeks, and months in fear. I was afraid someone was going to come and take her away from us. Scared that CPS would find out we had this baby that wasn’t legally ours and come get her. I was terrified that birth mom was going to change her mind, or that birth dad was just going to show up at our door to take Ellie away from us.

I waited as patiently as possible until June 17^th to call B and get things going. B was so swamped from two weeks on vacation that she took my number and said she would get back to me once she got caught up on work. (The awesome people at the COA are so overworked!) I waited over another week without hearing from B and decided that I couldn’t just wait around, so I called her back. When I told her we already had Ellie at home with us, she realized that we needed to get things going and dropped what she was working on to help us (told you she was amazing!) She took all of our information and got right to work.

First, birth mom’s rights needed to be severed giving up her rights to husband and me so we could get custody of Ellie. B got all the paperwork completed and sent it right out to us. Husband and I filled out all the forms B sent us, got them all notarized, (I have NEVER had so many documents notarized in my entire life as I did in just a few shorts weeks with the adoption) and sent them right back.

The next step was having birth mom go to the CAO a town over to talk with B in person. B wanted to make sure that birth mom knew her rights and that this decision was final and that we didn’t pay her for Ellie (We did NOT buy Ellie!) Birth mom picked us to be Ellie’s parents and we are so grateful that she is such a selfless, loving, amazing person!  

Our first court date was set and a few weeks later husband and I were granted temporary custody until the adoption was final. I felt like we could breathe a sigh of relief, but there were still so many “what ifs” that I just couldn’t get completely comfortable.

Ellie on the way to our first court hearing to get custody

Then, we had to get certified to adopt in the State of Arizona. Because we were both teachers the finger printing part was done, but we had to get ready for our first home study. The court appointed a woman to do this, she sent us paperwork that Husband and I got started on right away. It had questions you would expect: “How long have you been married?” “What do you love most about your spouse?” It also had questions that threw me off like, “describe your parent’s marriage and parenting styles.” Yikes! I didn’t have the greatest parental influences growing up and didn’t want that to hinder Ellie’s adoption. Luckily, this was NOT a problem. After filling out our paper work, getting references from both friends and family along with baby proofing and cleaning EVERY. SINGLE. INCH. of our house we were ready to be studied! Husband and I were so nervous, what if they found us not suitable to have Ellie? Would they take her away from us? Who would they give her to? What would happen to her?

After weeks of getting ready, the home study was over in less than an hour. We just sat and talked about our little family and how amazing Ellie was. We answered some questions about our income and expenses. She looked around the house and then left. That was it. After weeks of cleaning and stressing, that was it! Now, we just had to wait. We were getting closer.

In the meantime, B put an ad in a neighboring town’s paper giving notice about paternity. Since we don’t know who birth dad is, we had to publish a newspaper ad once a week for four weeks and then wait 30 days. After the 30 days, we had to get a cashier’s check for $5 to vital records for a certificate checking to see if anyone filed for paternity rights. Then we could petition the judge to sever paternity. A few weeks later we got news that Husband and I were certified to adopt, how exciting!! We were getting closer.

Next step was our second home study, which we scheduled the beginning of October 2014. This home study was to insure that Husband and I were the best fit for Ellie. This time, we did very little to prepare. We vacuumed the house and that was about it. When the woman came, she mentioned how you can tell the first home study from the second, because the second one the child is in the home…I think this was her way of telling us our house wasn’t overly clean. We talked again about our little family, this time mostly just about Ellie. How she was growing and developing. How was our relationship, were we bonding? The second home study we were ready for and a lot more relaxed. She checked to see if any of our information had changed from our previous visit. Once she got all the info she needed, that was it. She congratulated us and went on her way. A few days later we got news that paternity was severed. We were getting closer.

The fear started fading but was still present. We got news that we had a final court date scheduled for January 13, 2014. All we had to do was wait. A few months of waiting. Everything was in order. Just sit and wait for three months. Fear continued to fade but was ever present.

Christmas 2014 came. It was the BEST! The previous Christmas I was broken and empty. It was a dark time for me. Had my pregnancy from March 2012 gone to term I was due December 21, 2013. This year was different, completely different. I was complete I had my baby! I continued my countdown to adoption day. It was getting closer.

It was FINALLY time! We went to the CAO to meet with B and our lawyer. We talked about what would happen and then went to the court. My sisters, Husband’s parents, and grandma all decided to go with us. The love and support was heartwarming. We waited longer in the courtroom for the judge to come in than the proceedings lasted. Husband and I were asked questions. We answered. I cried. Sisters cried. I cried some more.  Then it was final. I had waited for seven months and six days. The fear was gone for good because she is ours, one hundred percent, no take backs. Ellie is legally ours, she is an Andreozzi!

Husband, Me, and Elie

All of us afterwards

Ellie with her new book, the judge gives adopted kids a book!

Ellie & me with my sisters

Ellie with Aunt Lizz & Auntie Kate

Being adopted is exhusting

Me with my daughter!

Part Three: Bringing Ellie Home

It was the evening of June 6^th I had plans to go to dinner and a movie with friends. I was going to cancel, but I figured this would be the last carefree night out before I became a mom. We spent the entire dinner talking about Ellie, the events leading up to that evening, and my hopes and excitement for bringing Ellie home the next day. If all went as planned that is.

We watched Maleficent, I sat through the entire movie thinking about what still had to be done at home, about my baby girl, about her birth mom. Would she change her mind after all? Would we be able to legally walk out of the hospital with her? Would someone come and take her from us? So many thoughts circled my mind. I was racked with fear!  

Later that night, I tried to sleep, but the excitement kept me from getting more than a few hours. I got up early to finish the last minute things on my to-do list. The day before, while  waiting for the consult with the family lawyer, I had never felt so nervous in my whole life . That was nothing in comparison to the feelings I felt waiting for a phone call. The phone call. Was it going to come or was birth mom going to change her mind? Was she going to call and make my world complete? To give me what I had wanted, tried for, prayed and begged for for years.  To give me the most precious gift, a gift that could fix my heart and heal my soul?

After a morning of work, the house was clean and my to do list was complete. All I had to do was wait. It felt like a scene from a TV show, where the character is waiting for something to happen. I was pacing the house, on the couch tossing and turning, off the couch I kept checking my phone to make sure it worked. I checked, rechecked, and checked a third time (just for good measure) that her car seat and going home outfit were ready. I was sick to my stomach and struggling to keep my sanity. 

Then it came, it FINALLY came! Birth mom called, but what was she going to say? Was she going to say, “Come get your baby!” Or was she going to say, “Sorry, I’ve changed my mind.” The phone call felt like it lasted hours, when in reality it was about 30 seconds. She asked if I was ready to take my baby home? Oh, joy! Joyous joy!!! She hadn’t changed her mind, she was actually going through with this. She was going give me the most precious give in the universe.

I called sister to have her meet us at the hospital and I got ready to go. In the hours leading up to this moment I hadn’t thought to get ready. I think it was a small way of protecting myself in case birth mom had changed her mind. Ya know, you can’t un-shower!

I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. Trying to find something to wear and making sure I had everything we needed. This time I pictured a movie where the wife goes into labor and the dad runs around getting ready. That was me! I now was sick to my stomach because of excitement!!!!

We got to the hospital and I was about to jump out of my skin I was so happy. We ran into a friend in front of the hospital and I almost cried telling her about Ellie! We then made our way up to the baby section of the hospital to get our baby, OUR baby.

As we walked into the room we saw a pile of presents. One of the nurses had gotten us some things for Ellie. The love and support we felt was amazing. We cautiously walked into birth mom’s room to get our baby. There she was! Lying in her little bassinet waiting for us! I picked her up and snuggled her! She was going to be ours, we were going to be parents. I decided to change her into her take home outfit. I had never dressed such a small, new baby before. She was NOT happy about being unwrapped from her nice warm blanket and changed into this:

We ended up having to wait in the hospital a few hours. Birth mom and baby girl were cleared to go home but had yet to be released. While we waited we took pictures and snuggled our sweet little girl!

Such a cute wrinkled face and a head full of hair!

It was FINALLY time to go home!!! We got her all bundled up in her car seat.at.

I couldn’t believe it, she was ours, at least for right at that moment. I wasn’t sure if birth mom was going to change her mind or if someone else was going to take her from us. For now she was ours! We had a baby, we were parents!! 

Spoiler alert!

      B just called to remind us of our final court date one week from today, Januaray 13th at 9:00AM. One week from today. Like I needed a reminder! I honestly started crying during our conversation, B has to think I'm cRaZy!! She informed me that we can invite others to join us...good thing! Sisters and Husband's parents are coming!! 

     

Part Two: Making Ellie ours

     When we left off, I was in the car, on the phone with birth mom bawling my eyes out. I told birth mom that we were afraid that she was going to change her mind about giving us baby girl. I will never forget the sound of her tired, raspy voice saying to me, “Oh honey, I am NOT going to change my mind.” That was my biggest fear. Being given a baby, what we have wanted most in the world for over three years, and then having that sweet baby taken away from us.

     I was so full of emotions: happiness, joy, and excitement, but I was also overwhelmed with feelings of fear and anxiety. The thought of getting a baby made me feel complete, but the anxiety of losing her terrified me. I had no idea how we were going to make this baby ours, but at that moment I didn’t care!

     When birth mom asked what we wanted to name baby girl, I was practically hysterical! Husband asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to see baby girl. As soon as he asked me that question, I knew he was on board. YES!!!! I've waited for this for so stinkin' long! So, we went to the hospital to meet baby girl.

     When we got the hospital I saw a tiny human bundled up in the white baby blanket with the ever familiar pink and blue lines. Everything I did I asked birth mom’s permission. Can I hold her? Can I change her? Can I feed her? She kept telling me, “Yes, of course, she’s your baby.” It was all so surreal. I was at the hospital, in the maternity ward, holding a stranger’s baby. Our baby?

     I remember asking Husband if he wanted to hold her. He is not a fan of babies. The excitement in his voice when he said, "Yes!" brought tears to my eyes. I looked at her sweet little face and fat swollen eyes and thought, “She’s okay.”  Husband on the other hand, replied, “She’s so cute!” The longer we were at the hospital interacting with this precious little human, the more I became unsure and full of fear. What if birth mom changed her mind? I took a few pictures of Ellie with Husband, but I couldn’t allow myself take any with her. 

     I couldn’t handle the thought of losing another baby. Being left empty and broken again. We spent a few hours with Ellie and her birth mom, but were no closer to figuring out how we were going to make her ours.

     When we left the hospital that evening we decided we should get to work on getting things ready to bring a baby home. Ellie had meconium and had to stay in the hospital for 48 hours for observation. This gave us two days to get things figured out and ready. I got to work cleaning out the spare room. It was my craft/ sewing/closet/vanity/storage/future baby’s room. It was full of crap! It honestly looked like a scene from hoarders.

Okay, maybe not THAT bad!

 

     
      When I got pregnant in 2013 some AMAZING friends gave us baby stuff: a crib, Bumbo, Boppy, blankets, bedding, socks, toys, books...LOTS & LOTS of baby stuff. It had been in my garage for over a year. Every time I looked at it, it made me angry. I just wanted it gone, until this day. This is the reason I hadn't gotten rid of it all, what a blessing!

     Earlier that day I texted a friend and told her about Ellie, she dropped of a bassinet and an adorable blanket she made. The love, support, and generosity of those around us made it possible to get ready for our little miracle! Meanwhile, Husband continued to look for lawyers and ways to make Ellie our baby. We FINALLY found a family lawyer in a town over that would give us a phone consultation on June 6^th at 10:00 AM.

     Later that night we got news that Husband's grandma Lucille who had been sick for months, passed away in Las Vegas, NV. On top of all our feelings and stress we now added heartache. Husband was very close to grandma Lou, she played an integral part in raising him and I believe helped make him the sweet man he is today. Her last lucid words were along the lines of: "Give me that baby, I want to see that baby right now!" unfortunately, this was impossible as both were in hospitals in different states. Husband said to me after he found out about her passing that he though she would hang on long enough for us to have a baby. I told him, "She did, Ellie is going to be ours."

      I woke up early the next morning, about 4:00AM, full of excitement, anxiety, and sadness. My mind was on Ellie Lou, how was she? Had birth mom changed her mind? Would we be able to bring Ellie home tomorrow? Would we be able to keep her? I spent the day continuing to clean out Ellie’s room and wash all the baby clothes, blankets, and bedding we had, trying to keep myself busy.

      We picked out these cute clothes when I was pregnant and were finally able to buy them after we met Ellie. We are a super hero loving family. Plus Superman was adopted too!

     Waiting for 10:00 to come was so hard. I have NEVER been so nervous in my entire life. When it FINALLY came Husband and I were able to talk with the family lawyer. It was the BEST ten minutes and $85 I have ever spent in my life! He informed us of ways we could go about making Ellie legally ours. One of which was to go through him, which would cost thousands of dollars and an undisclosed amount of time. He said we could also go through the County Attorney’s office (CAO). When I informed the lawyer that B was out of town. He said that we should get power of attorney and get signed up for our home studies. We FINALLY had a lead! Ellie might be ours after all. The joy and relief I felt was incredible!

     Next, I called Arizona Children’s Association to set up our home studies. The woman I talked to informed me that the CAO could help us with the adoption and said to wait on the home studies because it would be cheaper and we would be able to get things done quicker through the CAO. More confirmation that we could make this work. As long as birth mom didn't change her mind, this baby might actually be ours! I was still full of trepidation but felt much better about moving forward.

     Husband and I went back to the courthouse and got a power of attorney form so we could legally be in charge of making all decisions for Ellie. We took the form to the hospital to get birth mom's signature and were able to get it notarized. We were getting closer to making this sweet little angel ours!

     We spent a few more hours at the hospital with Ellie. With birth mom’s permission my sister came and met Ellie!

It was starting to get real. Ellie was our baby! This is the first picture I took with my baby.

     We left the hospital that evening to go buy a car seat to take our daughter home the next day. I was going on two days with very little sleep, full of fear, anxiety, excitement, adrenaline, sadness and it wasn’t over! Husband and I ran around Walmart like madmen! Most people have months to prepare for a baby, we had 48 hours! Thinking back to what we bought makes me laugh, we had no idea what we needed. We got her a car seat, changing mat and cover, formula, bottle brush and that was it! Luckily we ran into my dear friend and she got Ellie everything we didn’t think of, like bottles, diapers, wipes, and LOTS more!!

     
     We were almost there, we almost had OUR baby! 

Ellie's Story part one

        How it all began:

     March 20^th of 2011 my husband and I decided to grow our family. The first few months were fun and exciting. I knew since I had been taking birth control since we married in October 2006 that it would probably take at least a year to get pregnant. March 2012 came and passed. The fun turned into heartache and emptiness. A whole year without getting pregnant. I was against infertility treatments. It just wasn’t for me. I remember telling my OBGYN that I can always adopt if we couldn't get pregnant…

 Another year passed. Then in March 2013, almost two years to the day we started trying, after 23 plus negative pregnancy tests we FINALLY got a positive!! I was pregnant! It was a dream come true…

A few short weeks later (May 24^th to be exact) I had a D&C because my baby stopped growing, it’s heart stopped beating, she had died. I use to think if only I could get pregnant, even if I lost the baby, at least I would know I COULD get pregnant. Boy, was I wrong! I didn’t know such soul crushing pain was possible. It felt like a bad dream, but alas it was reality, my reality. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!

Everyone kept telling me that my body just had to figure things out, now it knew what to do. My heart was broken, my uterus was empty, my soul was crushed, but we kept at it. Six months passed my arms and heart were still empty. I decided to look into adoption. In my small town we had very few options, I tried going through the state. The woman I talked to said I had to foster to adopt…I couldn’t do it. I had already lost one baby, I couldn’t chance losing anymore, so I let it be.

Another six months passed it was time to go back to my OBGYN (there are no fertility doctors within 3 hours of where we live) I HAD to try something. She put me on a low dose of Clomid to plump up my eggs and help with ovulation in case that was the problem. I started Clomid on May 14, 2014. Two week later I knew I wasn’t pregnant, I knew it with every part of me. There was no question, I was NOT pregnant. I called my OGBYN to try another round of Clomid but she wanted a pregnancy test to confirm what I already knew.

On June 5, 2014 my life changed forever! I was sitting at my kitchen counter holding the pregnancy test results, my HGC was less than one. I couldn’t have been further from being pregnant. I was ready to implode, and everything was starting to crumble around me…

Back up to June 4^th. It was about 10:00 PM, I was in bed asleep. My husband woke me up to ask if we were still interested in adoption, “Of course!” I replied in my sleepy and confused haze. A friend had just called, she met a woman who was ready to give birth and was “thinking of giving it up for adoption.” I didn’t really think much of it, one does not simply go to the hospital and get a baby without any preparation…

Back to June 5, 2014 the BEST day of my life. 8:30 AM I am sitting at the table, my imploding thoughts are interrupted with a phone call. It was her! The woman who was “thinking of giving her baby up for adoption” She asked if we were still interested. What?!?! Holy smokes!! Of course we’re interested! My husband and I spent the next four hours Googling “How to adopt a baby” we called everyone we could find a number for. Arizona Children’s Association, the courts in my town and the next one over, CPS, every lawyer we could find, friends who had adopted, friends who knew someone who had adopted. We got very few answers, no one could help us. So we went to the court house. After hours of looking we finally had a lead! A woman, who we shall call B, (She is AMAZING, more on her later) at the county attorney’s office who helps with adoption. As our luck would have it she was on vacation for two weeks! Here I was so close to having a baby, but she was just out of reach.

On the way home from the courthouse I had to call birth mom. I couldn’t put it off any longer. She needed to find a home for her sweet little baby girl, and it wasn't going to be with us. I let her know about B and how she could help but not for a few weeks. As I talked with her we both cried and discussed our fears and hopes for baby girl. Birth mom kept telling me that “It was meant to be.”  Our friend that had called the night before had told birth mom about our desire for a baby and our struggles getting pregnant. They spent a short time together but bonded over my husband and me. I kept trying to tell her that this baby couldn't be ours, that there wasn't a way. “It was meant to be” she kept repeating, “It was meant to be.” The final question she asked me was what we wanted to name baby girl so she could put it on her birth certificate. We had picked out a name so many months before when I was pregnant, Ellanora Lucille. There had to be a way! 

I had great plans when I FINALLY had a baby of the things I did and did not want...one of which was eye drops right after birth. Since I was not there during her birth, she got them. Notice her big fat, red eyes.