I never wanted to be a mom. I used to hate kids. It’s amazing how
our likes, needs, wants, and desires change as we grow older wiser. I
remember the beginning of the change for me. It was early 2005, I was working
at The Animal Kingdom at Disney World in Florida. The area of the park I worked
in (Rafiki’s Planet Watch) was only accessible by train. It was getting close
to closing time and the last few guests were waiting for the train to arrive.
This couple from Japan was visiting with their toddler. She was running around
me in circles and when I looked down at her she would stop and giggle.
This continued, each time the young girl would do something more elaborate to
catch my attention, the end result was always the same, the joyous sound of a
child’s laughter. That day, my heart started changing, “Little kids are not
terrible” I thought.
The next change came with a new job. I was hired as a youth center
director. Me? In charge of a bunch of kids? I seriously didn't think
I had it in me, I was terrified, but it was a good job so I went for it. I
was in charge of an after school program of 2nd and 3rd graders. I had to feed them a snack,
help with homework, and plan fun, educational activities. The other part of my
job was supervising teens in the youth center in the evenings. This is where my
feelings towards kids of all ages changed, however, I liked the younger ones
better!
The change continued once again with yet another new
job. I've had a lot of jobs in my life (about 23ish) they all
played a part in shaping my destiny (yes, that was really cheesy.) This new job
had me traveling around to the schools in the county teaching
kids (grades 2nd, 3rd, and 6th) the dangers of
drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. This job did not only change my view on kids, but
it also opened my eyes to my future. One day whilst teaching kids to not do
drugs, I stopped, looked around the classroom and realized I needed to be a
teacher!!! (Too bad this was three weeks away from me graduating with my
bachelors in parks and recreation and hotel restaurant management, better late
than never, right?) It was the perfect career choice, plus my fiancé (now
husband) at the time was also a teacher. We would have the same schedules and
be able to commiserate about the rough kids and celebrate the amazing ones
together. I still didn't want my own kids but husband did, so we
agreed on two (I REALLY didn't want any!!)
A few years, two more job changes, and a Master’s in Education
later and I was a certified teacher! I had taught both first grade and
kindergarten and I LOVED kids more than I ever thought possible. Now that we
had been married a couple of years and I was in love with kids, seriously all
kids, I wanted my own, and I wanted them now!! Bad news:
husband wasn't ready. So I waited…
A year went by and I started bugging husband about wanting a baby,
he’d just shrug it off and say something along the lines of, “Not yet” or
“Once we've paid off your masters (I STILL haven’t paid that
dang thing off!) So I waited, and waited, and waited…After a few years of
waiting, I finally said, “I've waited long enough! I want to start trying,
on average it takes at least a year.” Secretly, I expected to get pregnant
immediately. Thus began the beginning of two years of disappointment and
heart break. 23+ pregnancy tests later, because yes, I thought that every month
I was in fact pregnant, and after the first negative test of my cycle that I
just took it too early for it to be positive and had to take another one. I was
long past baby hungry, I was baby starving!
When becoming a mother, women have time to prepare, let’s figure
most women find out that they are pregnant at 6-8 weeks and most
pregnancies last 38-40 weeks. That gives the average women 32+ weeks to
prepare. I had 48 hours, seriously, two days to do what most do in 32 weeks!
However, being a mother came naturally to me. I was killing it (not the baby,
the act of being an awesome mom!) I am so lucky that Ellie and I bounded
immediately, I think it is because we both needed each other. She also sleeps
like a dream, the first few days I was so sleep deprived it hurt. However, Ellie
quickly got on an awesome sleep schedule and stayed there. In part because I
learned what she needed during the day, she liked to eat every 1.5-2 hours
during the daytime, but would then sleep 8-12 hours a night if I swaddled her.
I got to know her so well I could anticipate her every need. What
I didn't anticipate were my feelings of inadequacy. I felt like
I didn't deserve to be a mother. I didn't sacrifice my body
for her, I wasn't able to create and grow her inside
of me. I didn't go through the pain of birthing her. The hardest
for me to handle was the fact that I could not breastfeed my baby. It broke my
heart that I had to feed her formula.
If you Google Mother this is what you get: “a woman in relation to
a child or children to whom she has given birth. Ouch, thanks a lot Google. What gives me the right to
be a mother when I didn't give birth to her? It took a few months of
struggling with this. When one day, I thought to myself about all the
reasons I wasn't a mother. The inability to breastfeed at the top of
my list. This went away slowly over time, when I realized there are so
many woman who want to but simply cannot breastfeed for whatever reason. There
are also lots of women who choose not to. Being a mom is making sure your child
is fed, doing whatever it takes!
There are countless grandmas, sisters, aunts, friends, step, foster
and adoptive mothers in this world that have stepped into the role of
a mother to care for a child in need. They do it because they love the
child(ren) that they care for. They became mothers without giving birth, so why
am I any different? My own insecurities got in the way, I felt like I
shouldn't be a mother. This attitude discredits non-tradition mothers
everywhere, and that is not fair to them, or to me. Let's face it anybody most women in the world have the
ability to give birth, but NOT everyone has the ability or desire to be a
mother.
I will never be able to change the fact that I didn't birth my baby, however, I have done all motherly duties since we brought her home from the hospital. I quit my job to take care of her full-time. I put her needs before mine. I find joy in caring for my sweet girl
I know Ellie better than anyone else in this world. I know when
she’s hungry, tired, happy, bored, needs to poop (this is an easy one because
he eyes bug out and turn bright red, it seriously looks like she just got
punched) I know how to make her smile and laugh. I know how to wrap her up
comfortably and rock her to sleep. I know that she likes music and dancing and
dance with her around the kitchen daily because I like to see her eyes light up
as she looks at me with the most adorable smile. I know that she likes hands
and feet because they move and wiggle, she likes to chew on my straw because
it’s squishy and feels good on her gums, and I let her because I would give her
anything and everything she needs. I know all this and more because I LOVE her,
because I am a mother, because I am Ellie’s mother!
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