March 20th
of 2011 my husband and I decided to grow our family. The first few months were
fun and exciting. I knew since I had been taking birth control since we married
in October 2006 that it would probably take at least a year to get pregnant.
March 2012 came and passed. The fun turned into heartache and emptiness. A
whole year without getting pregnant. I was against infertility treatments. It
just wasn’t for me. I remember telling my OBGYN that I can always adopt if we couldn't get pregnant…
Another year
passed. Then in March 2013, almost two years to the day we started trying, after
23 plus negative pregnancy tests we FINALLY got a positive!! I was pregnant! It
was a dream come true…
A few short weeks later (May 24th
to be exact) I had a D&C because my baby stopped growing, it’s heart
stopped beating, she had died. I use to think if only I could get pregnant,
even if I lost the baby, at least I would know I COULD get pregnant. Boy, was I
wrong! I didn’t know such soul crushing pain was possible. It felt like a bad
dream, but alas it was reality, my reality. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!
Everyone kept telling me that my body just
had to figure things out, now it knew what to do. My heart was broken, my uterus
was empty, my soul was crushed, but we kept at it. Six months passed my arms
and heart were still empty. I decided to look into adoption. In my small town
we had very few options, I tried going through the state. The woman I talked to
said I had to foster to adopt…I couldn’t do it. I had already lost one baby, I
couldn’t chance losing anymore, so I let it be.
Another six months passed it was time to go
back to my OBGYN (there are no fertility doctors within 3 hours of where we
live) I HAD to try something. She put me on a low dose of Clomid to plump up my
eggs and help with ovulation in case that was the problem. I started Clomid on
May 14, 2014. Two week later I knew I wasn’t pregnant, I knew it with every
part of me. There was no question, I was NOT pregnant. I called my OGBYN to try
another round of Clomid but she wanted a pregnancy test to confirm what I
already knew.
On June 5, 2014 my life changed forever! I
was sitting at my kitchen counter holding the pregnancy test results, my HGC
was less than one. I couldn’t have been further from being pregnant. I was
ready to implode, and everything was starting to crumble around me…
Back up to June 4th. It was
about 10:00 PM, I was in bed asleep. My husband woke me up to ask if we were
still interested in adoption, “Of course!” I replied in my sleepy and confused
haze. A friend had just called, she met a woman who was ready to give birth and
was “thinking of giving it up for adoption.” I didn’t really think much of it,
one does not simply go to the hospital and get a baby without any preparation…
Back to June 5, 2014 the BEST day of my
life. 8:30 AM I am sitting at the table, my imploding thoughts are interrupted
with a phone call. It was her! The woman who was “thinking of giving her baby
up for adoption” She asked if we were still interested. What?!?! Holy smokes!!
Of course we’re interested! My husband and I spent the next four hours Googling
“How to adopt a baby” we called everyone we could find a number for. Arizona
Children’s Association, the courts in my town and the next one over, CPS, every
lawyer we could find, friends who had adopted, friends who knew someone who had
adopted. We got very few answers, no one could help us. So we went to the court
house. After hours of looking we finally had a lead! A woman, who we shall call
B, (She is AMAZING, more on her later) at the county attorney’s office who
helps with adoption. As our luck would have it she was on vacation for two weeks! Here I was so close to
having a baby, but she was just out of reach.
On the way home from the courthouse I had
to call birth mom. I couldn’t put it off any longer. She needed to find a home
for her sweet little baby girl, and it wasn't going to be with us. I let her
know about B and how she could help but not for a few weeks. As I talked with
her we both cried and discussed our fears and hopes for baby girl. Birth mom
kept telling me that “It was meant to be.” Our friend that had called the night before
had told birth mom about our desire for a baby and our struggles getting pregnant.
They spent a short time together but bonded over my husband and me. I kept
trying to tell her that this baby couldn't be ours, that there wasn't a way. “It
was meant to be” she kept repeating, “It was meant to be.” The final question she
asked me was what we wanted to name baby girl so she could put it on her birth
certificate. We had picked out a name so many months before when I was
pregnant, Ellanora Lucille. There had to be a way!
I had great plans when I FINALLY had a baby of the things I did and did not want...one of which was eye drops right after birth. Since I was not there during her birth, she got them. Notice her big fat, red eyes.
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